It was a long time ago in my short life then. I was a child who knew love as just a part of emotion, caring without any expectation. I was afraid to tell even myself that I care about her so telling her and friends was out of picture. We lived in the same locality, took same school bus and were in same class.
She was the topper of the class as you could tell by looking at her specs. I was a mediocre at that time. It was very childish feeling but extremely pure, the one that I am incapable of now. There was not much sports, music or any other extra-curricular activity in our school. So, performing good in academics was my only option.
I took it up as a challenge. You know love is brutal and I did what it exactly demanded. I overthrew her of topper crown and stood 1st in the class. She started noticing me now, I felt. We talked for hours in class, bus and any other place where we bumped across each other.
Both of us were too immature to understand anything like love but definitely enjoyed each other’s company. I was waiting for her to come in bus and sit next to me. She used to save one piece of her Malai-Bun (Butter-toast) from lunch for me which I enjoyed thoroughly while talking to her in bus.
She left the school suddenly after summer vacation. No phone, no good-bye, nothing. Her whole family just vanished in thin smoke. There was no competitor for me in class now but I lost a dear friend. I was devastated but I was habitual of facing personal losses since early childhood.
15 years had passed and I was still in studies. I bumped into a known name on Facebook. That is where I found her profile randomly, having a mutual friend. I felt hesitant that she might have forgotten me. But took the risk for the girl I had admired for last 15 years, in her absence. As soon as I clicked the send request button, she accepted within minutes.
She said she remembers me and I felt a sudden racing of heartbeat in my chest. I knew I had feelings but again I was afraid to tell. We started talking daily about our life, choice of career, family and whatnot. One day I told her about my feeling.
I said-“You know, I had a crush on you, back in school“, moderating my feelings behind the fancy word-crush. She reacted surprised and we didn’t talk much after that as it was late in night. There was a pause of 15 days now since we last talked. She didn’t take my calls so I tried diverting my attention to work.
She messaged me after sometime but behaved like nothing happened. I don’t know why but lack of acknowledgement bothered me more than just a simple NO. I drowned myself into more work and limited our chat. She had called me one day, which I didn’t pick. She messaged- “Dad is hospitalized“.
We talked for several hours that day where she kept reminding me indirectly that she cares about me but has family responsibilities. I respected her stand and work was my wife again. Now on a very important day, we had a huge fight on phone. I was angry at myself and blocked every connection to her.
Now, 4 years have passed. She is a teacher and a bread-winner for her family. I am indulged in my work. But we both want to know that we are happy in our place. Now, we both are afraid to ask about life to each other. Time will definitely break the shackles in our brain but till then I will admire her in her absence, again.Love is very complex to understand and very intangible to achieve.
“To be in love is childish but to just give it up is not growing up”.